Catastrophe
by Neocolai
Summary: Kanan and Hera stumble on a dreadful section of Earth's holonet. (Or, the discovery of 'fanfiction'.) Season 2 canon-compliant.
1. Catastrophic Proportions

Disclaimer: Neocolai does not own Star Wars: Rebels or anything associated.

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"Kanan…." Here apprehensively set down her com. "The Fulcrum says another cell discovered a large databank of information. She wants us to be aware of what's been spreading on Lothal."

"Another Imperial movement?" Kanan rolled his eyes and sighed. More infantry and battle stations. Every step forward slid them three paces behind. "What is it this time?"

"It's not … Imperialist." Swallowing, Hera handed him a datapad. "You need to read this. All of it."

"Is this what we do for the alliance now?" Kanan grumbled. "I thought Chopper was the – what the Force?"

"Kanan!" Hera hissed. "We have kids on board."

"Is this a new Imperial code?" Kanan prattled heedlessly. "What is it – neon fizzy soda or something? _Neocolai?_ "

"Kanan, this is serious!"

"I am serious, Hera!" Kanan drawled. He flipped through the titles and snorted. "What's a hobbit?"

"The list, Kanan!" Hera said between her teeth. "Look where it refers to _us_."

Kanan glanced at her suspiciously. "… Us?"

"Just start with Ezra's name," Hera said tightly. She leaned back and folded her arms, watching Kanan's expression.

"What is this? Darth Vader? What's he ….." Long minutes passed. Kanan's jaw clenched. " _Hera…."_

"Don't blame me," Hera said curtly. "The Fulcrum discovered it."

"I do not have 'Daddy issues' – and is it just me or was I killed three times in – How am I surviving all of this?" Kanan's temple pulsed. "What's he doing to the kid…?"

His fist clenched on the co-pilot armrest. Hera distinctively heard the lights rattle.

"Where did the Fulcrum discover this?" Kanan asked darkly.

"Some big fuss over the holonet." Hera shrugged. "Do you think it's true?"

"Do I think the kid is the son of a soulless, metal monster? Who invented this?"

"Kanan, no one is killing the author."

"I didn't say I would kill him – her _– it_. Just tell me where to find it so I can tear this debacle from the holonet. What the Force is –"

"No cussing with kids on board, Kanan!" Hera reminded.

" _Who_ is Luke Skywalker? Why does Kallus know everything? Why am I being blown up – by the Ghost? Hera, none of this makes any sense! …. _I am not a Kanana!"_

"Love, you're going to wake the ship."

"What am I, a gushy mynock? I don't do hugs – or scream when my lightsaber is broken by some clumsy kid. …. Why is … …?"

Kanan's eyes misted and he swallowed. Hera leaned forward and touched his knee compassionately. "Caleb Dume?"

"Shut up," Kanan mumbled. His eyes sharpened again and Hera knew he had skipped to other chapters.

"Now this I can believe," Kanan commented, raising one eyebrow. "My padawan, the Jedi who never tells me anything. He's as sensitive as a girl who – why is _Chopper_ emotionally compromised? He's a droid! He doesn't –"

"Actually, he showed a great deal of remorse when _you_ were gone," Hera mentioned.

"Honestly, this entire series is ridiculous! _Frudal_ flowers? What is that? Now Sabine's allergic? And Zeb is the only one who's never – alright, so he's overwhelmed _once_ in the entire series. … Why is Chopper never present? Why am I unconscious in half the episodes?"

"So you like sapir tea?" Hera said languidly.

"I never said I was obsessed with uj cake!" Kanan ranted. "And as emotionally fragile as Ezra is, I have never heard him refer to himself as a 'Sith lord'. Who made him Vader's son, anyways? This is the most preposterous, harebrained scheme any buckethead could concoct. Where did the Fulcrum find this?"

"I'm not going to tell you," Hera said pertly.

The evil glare was meant to smite. Hera shrugged.

"Well, if you want to see yourself with a life-long partner in the form of one padawan, or read about Sabine and Ezra snogging, or Sabine and I –"

" _What?"_

"It's fanfiction, love," Hera said simply. "Author's rights and all. You never know what could happen."

Kanan gaped. "Who writes this?"

"Oh, teenagers… adults with too much time on their hands… people who want to change our lives for the worse."

"And they …." Kanan scrolled down quickly and blanched. "I am _not_ afraid of tookas."

"No, but that does qualify for the 'Kanan whump' accumulation." Hera stretched and bunked her feet on the controls.

"I … don't understand," Kanan said faintly. "Are they in league with the Empire? They _torture_ us? I didn't know we were that well known, let alone…."

"Love, no one understands this," Hera said gently. "It's a hidden network – maybe Earth system. Not even the Fulcrum can override it."

"Ezra is _not_ Vader's kid…." Kanan's expression was wounded, and Hera knew he had seen enough. She tugged the datapad away and deleted the information.

"Love, the Fulcrum wanted to warn us about what's out there. I don't think any of this is true."

"He's not Sith-spawn," Kanan said rigidly. "I don't know where Neon-fizzy came up with that notion."

"Neocolai," Hera corrected. "It's only a fictional author, Kanan. Forget it. The important thing is, what if the Empire knows?"

Kanan's eyes shot up and he inhaled raggedly. What if the Empire knew? All the rumors; the falsified information….

Ezra son of Vader.

Kanan's weakness.

The Ghost crew's names.

The absurdity of a flower that could cripple a Jedi.

Anakin Skywalker.

If the Empire knew….

"Don't tell Ezra," Kanan said briskly. "Whatever happens, the crew can never find out."

Hera smiled and jabbed one of the controls. "Already blocked from our holonet."

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Because I had to ridicule my own plotline sooner or later. ;D Review, and **tell me how you think the characters would react to fanfiction**!


	2. Sabine

**Continued** **by popular vote. I may regret this...**

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When she flicked on her datapad the next morning and the screen was blank, Sabine stared. She might have hyperventilated a little. _Maybe_ freaked out – just a bit.

Suddenly she was running to the cockpit, scrabbling at controls, fiddling with wires, hacking systems that even Chopper didn't know existed. It couldn't just be _gone!_ There had to be a logical explanation why…..

There! Her screen lit white and blue and Sabine laughed in giddy relief. Saved.

"Zeb," she accused sullenly. So what if she was more interested in reading than graffiting Ties lately? Taking away her website was a prank too far.

Meandering to the kitchen, Sabine logged into her account and grabbed a mug. Who knew pepper tea was actually addicting? Not Zeltron pop-pepper, of course – that stuff could burn the roof off a gundark's mouth. But a cup of sweet, spicy tea was perfect for early morning catchup.

Sliding onto the bench by the holochess table, Sabine tucked her feet beneath her and checked the recent updates. There was something strangely alluring about seeing her "space parents" get together. Sabine giggled at the term.

"Space Mom." Chewing out Ezra and Zeb _and_ occasionally Kanan. Who knew Hera was the one who held the crew together? Most of the time Sabine searched for the good stuff, though.

Some of it was sweet and sad, like UnfathomableFandoms liked to touch on. (Who knew Hera was obsessed with Kanan's hair – even Veronica and balthzar agreed!) Some of it was sinfully intriguing… Sabine glanced both ways before hunching behind her datapad. Okay, so the 'HeraxEveryone' genre was too creepy for words, and Force forbid Sabine ever read anything dissecting her _own_ character, but there were one or two romances between a certain Jedi and Twi'lek that were….

"Sabine, whatcha doing?" Zeb clamored, tilting Sabine's datapad for a better look.

"Get your giant mooka hands off!" Sabine shrieked, scrambling away. Zeb stepped back, affronted.

"I only asked –"

"Nothing! I'm not doing anything! Just mind your own business!"

"Okay!" Zeb acquiesced, holding out his hands in personal defense. "I didn't want to see your blasted datapad, anyways! Females," he grumbled under his breath. "Why don't I hang out with the droid more often?"

Flushing, Sabine slid lower on the bench and crooked her legs above her, holding the datapad out of any passerby's sight. Now was that Spectre, Spector, or Specter she was looking for… so many authors with the same – Ahah! Nibbling her thumb in anticipation, Sabine moved the story to a new tab and continued scrolling.

"Don't worry, I won't judge if you really are married," she mumbled, a little _too_ excited at the thought. A real mom and dad on board…. And their chemistry was amazing. It seemed wrong to be reading about something she would flip out about if she ever saw it _happening_. … Especially with some of Black Stormraven's mature fics... Maybe she needed to put the datapad away for good.

At that moment her slow, stupid mailbox that was unnecessary for anything except to _start_ interacting with the fandom in the first place dinged with a new message. Resolutions forgotten, Sabine jumped to the story. Aw, Ezra was so cute when he was smaller than everyone else! Really, Hera and Kanan should have adopted him by now. He was _totally_ Kanan's kid. Even in those off-world fics where spacecraft didn't exist and everyone used ancient communication devices (what was _Michaels?_ ), the galaxy seemed to draw Kanan and Ezra together.

"Sabine, we're leaving in an hour!" Kanan yelled from down the hall.

"Alright." Mission. Breakfast. Pff. Slumping lower on the bench, Sabine chewed another nail. "Don't worry, Kanan," she whispered, glad that FandomAngstQueen had completed the story. "He's not dead. The Inquisitor didn't get him." Dang it, she was still hooked on the first scene where Ezra was falling over the catwalk.

 _I shouldn't be this obsessed about…._

"Sabine, come _on_." The Mandalorian spazzed as Hera appeared in the doorway. "We land in half an hour and I need you to review the diversion plan with Zeb and Kanan."

"Kay – give me five minutes," Sabine begged. Hera glanced at her shrewdly and she slunk below the table. "Just … have to finish a research development?"

"Sabine, what is going on with you?" Hera said blatantly.

"Nothing! I'm … it's nothing. Really. I'm … introspecting … on … on a new art form!" Sabine exclaimed in relief. "It's super private."

Hera sighed. "Another journal? Try not to dismantle Chop if he peeks again. Let me handle it, okay?"

"Sure!" Sabine said too enthusiastically. "So… five minutes?"

"Fine," Hera said, walking briskly to the cockpit. "Make it five _exact_. I'm not explaining it to Kanan if you're late."

Space Mom and Dad were arguing again. Grinning, Sabine hunkered down and jabbed the chapter link. And to think she'd been freaking out this morning that the entire site had been taken away…..

Hera and Kanan just needed to admit it to everyone. They were _totally_ married.

* * *

 **Okay** , so Sabine has a bit of a warped mind. But since they're not her birth parents and she saw them as "Kanan and Hera" long before there were implications of "space parents", well… fanfiction gets to the best characters. 0_o

(And once more, Neocolai is forced to change the rating on a story. Kallus, don't you dare get involved next!)

If you want to be featured, mention it before I reach Kanan. I will do one chapter of requests. (All the other segments are prewritten.) You have three chapters - Zeb, Hera, and Chopper - and then requests are closed. :)

R&R!


	3. Zeb

**Apologies ahead of time if Zeb insulted anyone in this chapter.** (Hides behind Sabine's datapad) Don't kill the author – (points at Chopper) – blame him!

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Fanfiction. Pah! What a load of rubbish; traipsing female characters onto the Ghost, pairing up the Jedi with everyone, and who conspired the notion that Ezra had at least five separate sisters? Zeb guffawed as he scrolled down Sabine's datapad. Hera and Kanan together – now there was a tale to make Ezra's ears burn. He should download the site onto Chopper's holocam just to freak out the kid every now and then.

"Agent Kallus, a father?" Zeb snorted. Karabast, there was no reason to pity a calloused Imperialist just because a kid was involved! "I don't believe this. 'Have hope,' Ezra!" he snarked. "Give me the name of one officer who sympathizes with the rebels."

And then there was Maketh Tua matched up with the Imperial freak. That was about as sensible as the Inquisitor vowing his love to – erg… Karabast, someone _had_ to write that concept in detail.

Cringing, Zeb gingerly scrolled down the page. "What kind of tripe are you reading, Sabine?"

Ezra endangered. Kanan endangered. Ezra turning Sith. Kanan not turning Sith. Hera mushing over them both. As for himself….

"I'm not that obsessed over space waffles!" Zeb slammed his fist on the table. "Karabast, I prefer a varied diet."

And why was he always snoozing? "I don't nap and eat all the time, you know!"

Now he was chasing Ezra away and inadvertently insulting the kid. Was the brat _that_ sensitive? "He's like a girl during the female months," Zeb mumbled. Come to think of it, the kid had waited until Empire Day to spill about his parents. Maybe he really was a dweeby eight-year-old pretending to be an even dweebier teen.

"Why are the Jedi always getting beat up?" Zeb wondered. Kanan trounced. Ezra tromped. It was a miracle the two weren't half-dead by the end of every – Zeb raised one eyebrow and flicked back to the menu. Half-dead, all right. It was a wonder they were running around two chapters later.

Then there were the fics on Ezra's parents. Zeb's grip tightened on the datapad. He growled low, jaggedly scrolling past the list of names. What kind of tyrant picked on an orphan by reminiscing his parents' demise?

"Barbaric vulture droids." He would end all of them. Particularly that 'StarwWarsRebelsCrazy9090'. See how they appreciated their family home burning while the Empire closed in behind.

And whoever the radical cat was promoting the destruction of Lasan…. Zeb nearly hurled the datapad at the wall. He was going to end them painfully. Right along with Agent Kallus. And that so-called 'Spector 8'. And gushy Superherotiger. And every writer who referred to him as a 'wampa'.

"…. Zeb?" Sabine said worriedly as she entered the room. – Was that sapir tea in her hand?

"Don't tell me you're becoming obsessed," Zeb said in distress. It seemed every half hour Hera was shoveling a mug of tea at Kanan for his 'nerves'. Poor Jedi was ready to hijack a spice ship just to get away.

"Mm, rescuing Kanan," Sabine said, taking a cautious sip. "He says he hates sweet tea."

"Now he says it."

"What are you doing with my datapad?" Sabine demanded. Zeb looked away shiftily and wondered whether the authors were right to reference hazel, amber, or golden-brown for the Mandalorian's eye color. "Zeb, are you hacking my account?"

"What? No! I just – you mean you actually read this fluff and nonsense?" Zeb thrust the datapad at Sabine, alarmed at the number of times he was referenced by his full name in a single fic. It was like Hera was obsessed over lecturing him.

"I don't … I don't read it," Sabine said in a small voice as her cheeks darkened. "It's research… just in case. Maybe the Empire knows something we don't."

"I don't think it's an Imperial site," Zeb grouched. "The lunatics refer to Darth Vader as the Fulcrum's former master."

"I think a lot of backstory was invented for drama," Sabine agreed. She settled down beside Zeb and peered over his shoulder. "Did you read the ones about Caleb Dume?"

"Kanan?" Zeb scoffed. "As if he was a real Jedi. We both know he's a fanatic waving a lightsaber."

"Mmm, you got that from the neo-fics."

"It's better than the 'JediRebelWriter'. I mean, I bet that's not even a real Jedi. Seems anyone can make a lightsaber these days."

"Zeb, those are just author names, you know. Just like there's no spectre after six."

"Really? Cause we seem to have a lot of unnecessary crew members involved."

"It's just fanfiction," Sabine assured.

"Yeah? Well, I don't like the influence. And who says I keep my eyes open watching out for the kid every time he falls off his bunk?"

"Just be glad you're not Kanan," Sabine said. "Friendly chats with Vader, extra visits to the interrogation chambers, a little jaunt to Mustafar…."

"Is every author out there to torture Kanan?" Suddenly it seemed amiable to be the ordinary, boring Lasat who barely had forty titles in the archive.

"Whump fest." Sabine hummed into her mug. "Everyone sees how far they can push the characters and still have everyone come out alive. I think Neocolai vowed to kill a character after AzulaBlue's story, but that hasn't been published yet."

"She already killed Kanan twice!" Zeb slapped the holoscreen.

"Better than FandomAngstQueen – she had Kanan kill Ezra."

Zeb gaped.

"What?" Sabine shrugged. "JediRebelWriter made Kanan an evil taskmaster. At least the angsty queen made him regret killing his padawan."

"You read this rubbish?" Zeb said in horror.

Sabine screwed up her nose and flicked out her tongue. "I skip the tragedy. And most of the other stories. There are a lot of family fics posted." She mumbled something like 'omance' into her tea.

"Huh. Waste of perfectly good time," Zeb grumbled. He slid down the list and randomly selected an author's name. "What kind of questions would you ask an author, given the opportunity?"

"Like EpicBullseye? Why does everyone fight over Kanan's eye color?" Sabine said instantly. Zeb cast her a sidelong look.

"You're as bonkers as the rest of them."

He chose another genre, chuckled, then laughed uproariously. "Stealing Kallus' facial hair? Good one, Sabine!"

Now if only these fictional driblets could be instigated in the real galaxy….

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 **Egad** , loads of references to everything. Gets to be a little confusing sometimes... Again, apologies if you feel I personally derided your fanfiction - more than half the references also apply to my own fics. No offense intended. Just pm me if you want your name removed. ;)

If you want a special feature, mention it before I reach Kanan. I will do one chapter of requests. You have two chapters' timeline for submissions - Hera and Chopper - and then requests are closed. :)


	4. Chopper

Chopper had known about it before Hera tried blocking the systems. Late into the night, when he was 'recharging' below and the Jedi were asleep, the devious droid rose to strike.

There was nothing short of ingeniousness in the rally of Earth-dwellers set on freeing the Lothal system. For months Chopper had been sorting truth from fantasy until every Imperial secret had been disclosed. Darth Sidious. Ahsoka Tano. Darth Vader's conspiracy to murder Maketh Tua. The Death Star. The children of Skywalker. Every hidden obstacle was now enclosed in his databanks. Soon the Empire would fall.

After – and only after – his scheming plots were tapped into by aspiring new writers. Every author seemed obligated to answer to 'prompts'. Chopper would fill in their time and satiate his increasing desire to clap the stupid Jedi over the head with their own lightsabers. When he had finished his diabolical list, he would tear it in half and offer one section to the rebels and the other to Agent Kallus – just to stir things up a bit. Lothal was too quiet around this time of year.

Chortling to himself, Chopper checked off his list of 'author's stimuli'.

1\. Zeb is pushed off the Ghost along with the ugly Imperial droid.

2\. Kanan accidentally shoots himself while twirling his blaster.

3\. Ezra's face is eaten by a fyrnock.

4\. Chopper obliterates the Ghost crew.

5\. Grand Moff Tarkin tap dances on Empire Day.

6\. Sabine seals herself in her room and suffocates from paint fumes.

7\. Darth Vader's helmet is removed (and the gruesome aftereffects).

8\. The Fulcrum lightsaber-duels the fluff out of Kanan.

9\. Chopper rules the galaxy.

10\. R2-D2 is dismembered for parts.

11\. Ezra and Kanan are electroshocked out of the transport window.

12\. Kallus and Maketh Tua have a baby.

13\. The Inquisitor ballet dances a duet with the Tarkin (Inquisitor wears the tutu).

14\. Agent Kallus' foot is stepped on by an AT-ST.

15\. Kanan's gargantuan nose is sealed in the blast doors.

16\. Sabine chokes on pepper tea.

17\. Hera beats Kanan over the head with a serving tray.

18\. Hera's lekku really are snap-peas.

19\. Lando dies.

20\. Darth Vader slips on the steps in Capital City and bounces down three flights.

21\. Maketh Tua has a bad hair day.

22\. Kanan is assaulted by Tooka kits.

23\. Ezra adopts said Tooka kits.

24\. Kanan breaks his jaw from continuously grinding his teeth.

25\. Agent Kallus is afraid of force-ghosts.

26\. Darth Vader's uniform is painted fuchsia pink (courtesy of the Rebel crew).

27\. Tarkin worries about aging lines.

28\. The Inquisitor wins a beauty contest.

29\. Chopper explodes the Phantom.

30\. Lando is suffocated by his puffer pig.

31\. The unnamed Lieutenant snaps a fuel coil and sprays fuel all over Agent Kallus' uniform – directly before an important meeting.

32\. Maketh Tua (whilst holding her nose) douses Agent Kallus with perfume after number 31.

33\. Grand Moff Tarkin arrives at the meeting wearing pink rabbit slippers.

34\. Emperor Palpatine has a pet tooka.

35\. Upon capture, Kanan sees the tooka and surrenders immediately.

36\. Ezra mouths off to the Inquisitor until he is booted back to the Ghost crew for sheer irritability.

37\. Hera adopts all the OC's from the Rebels fandom and Kanan is not amused at sharing the Ghost with them.

38\. Kanan and Hera make faces at the mirror.

39\. Zeb is courted by a she-sarlaac for the sake of a mission.

40\. "Guaranteed hair growing remedies!" Ahsoka tries it.

41\. Chopper beats every crew member in holo-chess.

42\. Hera is sleepy at the pilot seat and Kanan is striving to keep her awake.

43\. Chopper cuts the ladder from under Kanan.

44\. Ezra walks into a wall and blinds himself from a concussion.

45\. Sabine spray paints her armor and the joints stick.

46\. Zeb is challenged by a Wookie to a space-waffle eating contest and loses miserably, and is sick in the process.

47\. Ezra challenges Zeb to said contest and disgusts the crew.

48\. Kanan is face-kissed by a mynock. Hera is oblivious as she checks the Ghost's wires.

49\. Sabine and Ezra are forced to switch careers for a day. Ezra is a terrible artist (and blows up his face) and Sabine whups Kanan with a lightsaber.

50\. Princess Leia and Sabine go Imperialist.

51\. Kanan is discovered as a stormtrooper and is court-martialed as a deserter.

52\. Chopper travels back in the past and shoots Caleb Dume (saving him from maturing into a gushy mynock, of course).

53\. Darth Vader's Tie fighter is graffitied.

54\. Hera starts "nesting" and fills the Ghost with flowers. Kanan is allergic.

55\. Ezra leans too far back in the turret, falls, and breaks his face.

56\. Sabine begins painting tookas. Kanan has a panic attack.

57\. Kanan is forced to drink sweet tea as Imperial torture.

58\. Kanan must cross-dress for a mission (including a beaded purse and floppy red hat). Hera is amused, Kanan is not. Kanan beats a stormtrooper over the head with his purse.

59\. Chopper becomes the new Emperor. The Ghost crew are his subjects.

60\. Zeb and Ezra experience the feminine world for a day. Trauma and makeup ensues. (Zeb wears the makeup, Ezra looks dumpy in a purple dress and hat.)

61\. Kanan is assaulted by his adoring fans. Hera is not amused.

62\. Sabine is sent to the Imperial foster system and is adopted by Imperial parents.

63\. Sabine discovers an Earth-system clothing market…. Complete with tye-die. Zeb tries to drag her away.

64\. Lando falls out of Cloud City.

65\. Ezra splats after sailing off the Ghost while training.

66\. Kanan cringes and squints too much and his eyelids are stuck.

67\. R2-D2 is struck by lightning.

68\. Ezra is declared to be Agent Kallus' son. Grudging 'Gushy-Mynock-Kallus' ensues.

69\. Maketh Tua proposes to Agent Kallus immediately after number 68.

70\. Darth Vader's suit overheats and he complains about 'hot flashes'. Tarkin begins to question whether it's a man or a woman behind the mask.

71\. Emperor Palpatine wants his birthday party on Empire Day – complete with balloons, party hats and cake. Darth Vader, Tarkin, Kallus, Kanan, and all Rebels characters are forced to participate.

72\. Everyone has a cousin Bob. Even Darth Vader. Darth Vader does not like his cousin. Cousin Bob will not die.

73\. Kanan sticks his tongue to a frozen AT-ST leg.

74\. Zeb crafts a snowman around Ezra and Ezra is frozen rigid for the rest of the day.

75\. Darth Vader enjoys cocoa, but cannot drink it. Splashes it in Kanan's face as torture.

76\. Hera trips over the toolbox Kanan leaves out. Kanan hides in the engine room for a week.

77\. Ezra gives in to his girly emotions and bawls in front of Kanan.

78\. Sabine and Han Solo meet up and "Space Dad" Kanan drags Sabine back to the ship.

79\. "Space Dad" Kanan and "Space Dad" Vader clash over the raising of children.

80\. Hera makes everyone eat their vegetables – Chopper, Kanan and Zeb included. Chopper throws peas at Zeb's head and squashes Kanan's into mush. Ezra chokes on cauliflower. Sabine appreciates nerf steak.

81\. Chopper is lured by fireflies and is told the secrets of ruling the Force.

82\. Sabine and Leia compare their space dads and offer to trade.

83\. New plan: Darth Vader raises Ezra for a day and Kanan is stuck with Luke. Both space dads appreciate their padawans a little more.

84\. Sabine and Leia "girl talk" about makeup, boys, and their ditzy fathers.

85\. Hera and the Queen of Alderaan meet up for tea and discuss teenage daughters, husbands, and declaring war on those insane men who are declaring war on the galaxy.

86\. Zeb uses Chopper as a flashlight. Chopper plays "ghost" and traumatizes Zeb.

87\. Chopper employs the Death Star and is worshipped by the entire galaxy.

88\. "Space Dad" Vader drags Han Solo away from Leia and rants with Kanan about how stupid boys always entice their daughters.

89\. Chopper grows a potted plant on Kanan's head.

90\. Stormtroopers are given tea and cookies as a "Rebel outreach campaign".

91\. The Imperialists retaliate with a "Give food and shelter to the homeless on Lothal" campaign.

92\. Darth Vader is forced to take a bath after an encounter with mud and a skunk. Squeaky armor and soap suds in his mouthpiece ensue.

93\. Kanan is used as a bobsled by Ezra and Sabine.

94\. Zeb's fur is poofed by electric static/hairdryer/humidity.

95\. Ezra, Zeb and Kanan fight over the last cookie. Chopper crumbles it.

96\. Hera leaves Kanan alone for one week and he falls to pieces.

97\. Kanan tries to start a band to fix the world's problems. The Ghost crew trounce him after an hour of his off-key singing. The Imperialists offer to lose the war if he will shut up.

98\. Kanan and Vader spend the entire Endor battle trying to trade kids.

99\. The Emperor is trounced by mini! Ezra, Han, Luke, Leia, and Sabine. Caleb Dume was supposed to be babysitting them.

100\. Chopper becomes the Force.

Snickering wickedly, Chopper clicked 'post'.

* * *

If you want a special feature, mention it before I reach Kanan. I will do one chapter of requests. You have two chapters' timeline for submissions - this one and Hera - and then requests are closed. :)


	5. Hera

The prompts in Chapter 4 are open to the public, by the way. ;) (Chopper will use the Death Star to explode Earth if someone does not glorify him in a fanfic...)

* * *

Hera read fanfiction strictly for boosting crew morale. She wasn't a "Space Mom" as hundreds of authors stereotyped, but she did have kids and a lost Jedi to heal. She gleaned what she could from the 'fictional Hera'. (At least _she_ was posed with dignity most of the time. Kanan veered from 'ruthless taskmaster' to 'gushy mynock dad'. Of course, Hera seemed to be clinging to him every other fic…. Or vice versa….)

Hera plopped her cheek onto her fist and sighed. "Where are all the good, old-fashioned 'snipe the Empire and celebrate victory' tales?"

The fanfiction database proved a lot of what she already knew. Ezra was insecure. Kanan worried frequently (although she admired how 'real' Kanan tended to react in a less frantic manner – not that freaking out about a fallen coolant wasn't humorous). Sabine was suspicious and tended to vent at the worst possible times. Zeb was annoyed at everything. Chopper was … Chopper.

The trouble was, what if the Empire knew about these facts? Half of Lothal must have heard already. Hera hissed sharply, nibbling her lip as she flicked to the 'mature' fics. "Sabine Wren, you had better not be hacking into this before you're seventeen."

Force save them all.

Ezra, Zeb, Kanan, Sabine, _the Inquisitor,_ herself – they were all prey to the leering minds of authors who took their face and invented…. Hera shuddered. It was one thing to dream about Kanan every night. Actually reading about it sounded like… voyeurism.

"Turn it off," Hera ordered herself. Sapir tea. That would calm her nerves.

Anxiety prodded and Hera warily encroached the fanfiction site again. Darth Vader. The Emperor. Hundreds of Imperial masterplans that seemed trivial to the writers. "What's a Death Star?"

Who was Cee-Wan-T3N-P, and did he really think Chopper would want to overthrow the Empire and rule the Force?

Was Kanan that scarred? Caleb Dume. Master Billapa. Kanan had spoken of her often – trembled sometimes when he thought no one could see. Hera never realized how the wound still bled.

And she wondered how Ezra would cope if he lost his master.

She had to watch out for those boys.

"Trouble with the holonet?" Kanan stood in the doorway, iced stim-caf in his hand. Non-sweetened, as though he was denying everything in neon-colic's realm.

"Just … establishing a few things," Hera said. Kanan's eyes narrowed.

"I thought you blocked that fandom." He was stoic, but not accusing. Hera suspected he had spent a few nights sorting through the darker fics.

"Guess I wanted to know what we're up against," Hera admitted. She gladly switched off the datapad. Kanan watched her.

"Did you read the….?" His eyes trailed down and Hera coolly raised one eyebrow.

"Read what?"

He cleared his throat. "Do you want to….?"

"Check the systems to see if Sabine's been hacking into her account? What a fine idea, Kanan."

"That's not … what I …" Grumbling to himself, Kanan slurped his iced stim-caf and choked. "How does Kallus drink this?"

"Remember, love, that's fanfiction."

And fanfiction was where all those alluring stories would stay.

* * *

Last chance to request a special feature. I will do one chapter of mini-shots with requests or prompts. :) Once I post Chapter 6 (Kanan), submissions are closed.

(Cee-Wan-T3N-P is not a registered author's name. Figured out the reference yet?) ;)


	6. Kanan

Sleepless nights. Sapir tea (no, he was not addicted!). Nightmares worse than the duel with Darth Vader. New death scenarios and losses he had never imagined. How could he protect them?

Resting his head in his hands, Kanan closed his eyes. Visions of the red lightsabers flickered, accompanying the fantasies dreamed up by Earth-system writers. Ezra – padawan to the Inquisitor. Son of Vader. Son of Maketh Tua. Tortured by Kallus. Tortured by _him_.

Hera. Humiliated across hundreds of holonet articles. Once Kanan had thought their affection was a private and joyous memory.

Sabine. Treated like a spoiled child; a lover; an accidental murderess; killed in action; crammed into an Imperial missile; subjected to miserable illnesses.

Zeb. Haunted with Ezra's death, even if it was only a dream. And for his family – his homeland – to be laid waste on public holonet….

 _Why?_

 _Why?_

Had Agent Kallus conspired with these writers? Was the rebellion futile, when the galaxy stood by and mocked them?

 _After all we did… is this the price of fame and defending the helpless?_

Perhaps Minister Tua's death had pushed this enforcement of cruelty. Perhaps Neocolai, Kavella,  
Lombax901, Just-Inkro.… all they wanted was revenge. To hurt the Ghost crew after the death of a beloved leader.

Vengeance Kanan could understand. But his crew didn't deserve _this._

"Kanan?"

Sabine's hand was on his shoulder. Unshaken fingers switched off the datapad.

"It doesn't matter," Sabine said determinedly. "We know we're heroes. Many in the Earth system uphold us for fighting the Empire. Don't mind the fanfiction, Kanan. We've never doubted you."

Sighing, Kanan tossed the datapad onto the table. "I know."

He had never questioned his crew's devotion. But they were a small cell amidst a galaxy that flaunted their memories like a children's cartoon show. It seemed there was no safe harbor.

"Maybe we could write a plea to the authors," Sabine suggested. "Ask them to remove their stories from the holonet."

"Hera already did." Kanan scoffed. "That neon fizzy soda laughed at her. Accused her of pranking the system just to give authors a bad day. They argued for three hours straight, and the author said it was the most hilarious conversation of the year. I imagine any other writers will react in a likewise manner."

"I'm sure someone will side with us," Sabine insisted. "There _are_ noble authors among them."

"Let's face it..." Kanan sighed. "The Empire wanted to ostracize us from every system. They've succeeded."

"So…. Any chance we can remove it from _our_ system?" Sabine suggested. "If not Earth, then at least we can protect Lothal."

"That's what I thought of," Kanan said amusedly. "' _Cee-Wan-T3N-P'_ threatened to lock me in the 'fresher, though." He showed Sabine one of the recent chapters. "One hundred ways to publically humiliate the galaxy. At least he's not favoring the Imperialists."

"Chopper!" Sabine yowled.

* * *

(Some hours later)

One look, one glimpse at Ezra's crimson face, and Kanan knew what had happened.

"Hey, Kanan," Ezra blustered, "You and Hera don't really –"

" _Out!"_ Kanan bellowed, slapping his padawan over the head and grabbing the datapad.

The galaxy could save itself. He was permanently retired.

* * *

 **Requests** are now closed. Once I finish compiling prompts and writing the last requests, the next chapter will be Ezra, who dominated most of the features. ;)

(For those who didn't catch it, Cee-Wan-T3N-P is Chopper. His serial number is C1-10P. )


	7. Ezra

**And now, at long (looong) last, the "Ezra Chapter" with gathered prompts and story features from other authors.**

 **This is a humorous story and few prompts will be taken seriously. Chopper did the editing, so if you hate how your story was portrayed, blame the droid.**

* * *

 **DeathGoddesses – ("How about one of Ezra discovering fanfiction with Zeb and Sabine around?")**

"Hey, guys!"

"Go away!" Sabine and Zeb yelled.

"What's going on?" Ezra strolled into the room, trying to peer over the edge of the datapad. Sabine hugged it close while Zeb shoved Ezra back. "Oh, come on! What are you hiding? Is this about Kanan? Cause he's _really_ been acting weird lately."

"Forget Kanan!" Zeb shouted, while Sabine's eyes bugged.

"No, no, no, no. He didn't read _Kanera_ , did he?"

"Kanera?" Ezra drew back, puzzled. "What's that? Is it a book? I didn't know you read, Zeb."

"Now you know!" Zeb hollered. "Get out!"

"Can't I see it?"

"No!" Frantically Sabine pushed him away. "Shoo!"

"All right, fine." Cheerily Ezra raised his hands and waltzed to the door. "But just in case you were wondering…" A swift yank on the Force and the datapad flew into his hands. "You can't outbest a Jedi."

" _Ezra, no!"_

Grinning, Ezra shoved past Kanan and raced down the hall.

"Sabine, what are you doing?" Kanan hollered.

"Stop that Lothrat!" Zeb's voice rose above Chopper's maniacal cackle as the droid zipped into Ezra's room and locked the door.

"Chopper, let me in!" Ezra demanded, clanging his fist on the barrier. Yipping, he ducked under Zeb's hands and slid into Sabine's room. "Don't end me! Just tell me what this is!"

"Don't let him read it!" Sabine ordered. "Ezra! Give us the datapad _now!_ "

"Oh, I don't know…." Zeb languidly folded his arms and leaned against the doorway. "I think we should give 'im a chance."

"Zeb, Kanan is going to _kill_ us!" Sabine hissed out of the corner of her mouth.

"Aw, let the kid have a look." Zeb chuckled menacingly and clicked one of the shiny blue lines. "Here; start with one of DeathGoddesses' favorites."

"Who's SusieWho?" Ezra's brow furrowed and he squinted at the script. "What's 'the thing' this weirdo have for that graffiti artist? Why do they have the same names as…." He paled, swallowed, then peered intensely at the script. "Wait, is this… Am I …." Elated, he looked up at Sabine. "You really like me?"

" _No!_ " Flustered, Sabine snatched the datapad and slapped it over Ezra's head. "I don't! At all! Not even a little! Ugh, you both are such nerf herders!" As strawberry red as that scented shampoo she favored, she shoved Ezra aside and then pointed at the open door. "Out! Both of you! Zeb, you are never accessing my account again!"

"It was just a little joke." Zeb sniggered. "He'd have found out sooner or later."

"Wait, is that real?" Ezra wondered. "Did she write it? Can I – "

" _Zeb!"_ Sabine slammed the locking mechanism behind them.

Chuckling, Zeb roughly clapped Ezra's back. "C'mon, Kid. It's time you learned the meaning of 'fanfiction'."

* * *

 **Specter 8 –** **(Any of the author's fics)**

 **(My roommates could tell you I never respect popular songs, and you just happened to start your songfic with the most hilariously explosive one in the pack.) ;)**

Their heads were bent over the datapad. Cheeks almost touching. Hair brushing. Sabine cleared her throat. There was only one thing to say.

"Ezra….."

"Yeah, Sabine?" His eyes were hopeful.

"Please… don't do something stupid like that. Grenades don't make for glorified death scenes, and you're not invincible."

"But it's a declaration of my love!" Ezra insisted. "I would catch a grenade for – what's a train?"

"Earth System technology. Next chapter." Expression stony, Sabine swished the link and shook her head. "No."

Ezra blanched. "No, please don't make him do it!"

"Do what?" Kanan poked his head in, sweet cake in one hand and tea (not sapir, he would insist) in the other.

"Go!" Ezra and Sabine shouted at once.

"Hey! Is this about –"

" _Kanan!"_

" _Hera_ , your kids hacked the system!" Scowling in warning, Kanan stomped down the hall.

Whooshing a sigh of relief, Sabine backtracked from the chapter. "Never. Never let Kanan attempt a musical."

"My ears are still recovering from the last time he sang in the sanisteam," Ezra whined. "Hera turned off the hot water…. Kind of fun hearing him shriek after that."

"If you try to woo me in the same manner," Sabine warned darkly, "I will maul you."

…

 **A.N**. (Actually, I imagine Kanan would have a really good voice… but I never take him seriously.) ;)

* * *

 **Gracie** **– (Ezra reading about his getting hurt/sick/affected by Sith Lords, etc)**

Poor kid was hyperventilating. Wincing sympathetically, Sabine touched Ezra's shoulder and reminded him, "It's just fanfiction. No one really wants this to happen."

"Why are they obsessed with hurting me?" Ezra begged for answers. "I don't like being chased by monsters, or nearly drowned, or shot, or warped into a Sith, or scarred mentally, or tortured by the Inquisitor, or –"

"Ezra, breathe," Sabine urged.

Whooshing in and out, Ezra shook his head. "I thought the rebellion was on our side."

"Fans are, too." Coolly Sabine sipped her fizzy soda. "They just like to see you bruised and crying."

" _What!?_ "

Sabine shrugged. "Welcome to popularity."

Shivering, Ezra gnawed his lip and surveyed the endless arrays of blue links.

Maybe he'd have a short cry now. Just to appease the fans.

He really didn't want to be shot again.

* * *

 **\- Nochyusvetitsya9 -** **(any of the author's story mentioned) (Sorry, this one tripped me and I couldn't resist!) XD**

"Why?"

"Eh, you're not gonna snivel, are you?" Zeb cautiously covered his space waffles in case the "bawling" fictions proved prophetic.

"I … I'm not a fruit," Ezra whimpered. Like an injured puppy he held the datapad up for Zeb to see.

' _Sincerely, tiny child The Blueberry…."_

Oh, the struggles of mockery. Clearing his throat, Zeb struggled to maintain an impassive face. "Well, it seems to be a fad with the writers, associating you with…."

"My hair is _blue!_ " Ezra retorted. "That doesn't mean they can make fun of it! And I'm not a tiny child and I would never refer to myself like that and Kanan has been _laughing_ behind my back ever since he discovered this fic and –"

"Breathe, kid." Zeb rolled his eyes.

"I'm not a kid anymore! I'm fifteen!"

"Yeah. Sure."

"I'm not a blueberry," Ezra whispered disconsolately.

"Yeah, we get it." Shaking his head, Zeb retreated from the miserable raincloud… then paused with a sneaky grin. Whistling innocently, he slid behind Ezra and calmly dumped the waffles and syrup over his head.

Instantly the pity-party morphed into vehemence. _"Zeb!"_

"But I wanted some blueberries with my waffles!" Zeb drawled.

It was worth Hera's shopping list afterwards.

* * *

 **hadesgirl015 - (Any of the author's stories mentioned)**

Kanan knew something worse was involved – something worse than the song lyrics and passion and _unspeakable_ matters involving a certain astromech droid. Those seemed unpretentious compared to the look on Ezra's face.

"Kanan, I'm – I don't want to ask Hera this," Ezra stammered, his face darker than a jogan fruit.

"What did you read?" Kanan demanded. _Please, not the slash…._

"Um… Kanan?" Ezra squeaked. "Someone … someone made me a girl, and I was wondering…." He breathed haggardly and clawed the back of his neck. "Um… do girls…. Usually bleed …. uh…."

Kanan's eyes rolled back and his face turned ashen, and then Kanan Jarrus – great Jedi Master and infallible leader – lunged from his chair and screamed for rescue.

" _Heraaaa!"_

* * *

 **Majo2** – **(Kanan acts like a father to Zeb) (I really tried on this one, but Zeb is so tough… I think they're still behaving like brothers.) :/**

It wasn't often that Zeb was down. He was the eldest crew member, and the most stalwart – if anything, he complained of rescuing Kanan and Hera too often (Kanan specifically, and now there was a kid involved. Idiots, the lot of 'em).

There wasn't supposed to be a day when _Kanan_ pulled the rescue op.

One moment Zeb had been chasing down buckets, cackling as his bo-rifle crackled in the rain, and the next he was sprawled, looking up cross-eyed at the blaster tapping his forehead. His leg spasmed and _– Karabast_ , _what did they use, toxic darts?_ – and he lashed out, only to holler as stun bolts exploded from all sides.

Electricity plunged through his torso, numbing his limbs, imploding his head, vibrating through his body until it was difficult to _breathe_. Wheezing, Zeb glowered at the buckethead, incapable of anything but _twitching_ as the vibrations faded.

"Take him to the command center," the leading bucket ordered.

In Zeb's mind, he saw himself leaping upright, smashing helmets and relieving the clumsy troopers of their weapons. He growled as his arms were twisted behind him. "Get offa me, you – !"

Blue shrieked to life, the most unwelcome and favorable sound that Zeb had ever heard. Shadowed against the rain, Kanan flipped out of the trees and flung one stormtrooper aside, energy whipping around him as he rebounded blaster bolts and kicked bucketheads to their knees.

 _Karabast, not the Jedi…._ Zeb groaned. At least it was better than Chopper.

Infinitely better.

The last stormtrooper crumpled and Kanan knelt, briefly assessing Zeb's condition. "Are you awake?"

"Get your hands off," Zeb warned with a dark look. "Nothing's broken."

"What happened?" Strict and punctual as always.

Zeb thanked the Old Religion that Kanan wasn't fussing over him like the kid. "I'm fine! Just took a couple nasty bolts, that's all." He struggled to rise, clenching his teeth when his limbs flapped uselessly.

"Together." Kanan slid his shoulders under Zeb's arm, straining to lift the sodden Lasat. He was a ninny head – they all were! Any sensible rebel would have at least contacted Hera.

And Zeb was grateful for his sensitivity. He tapped Kanan's shoulder, expressing his thanks. Four less crew members to witness his humiliation.

"Can you move your feet?" Kanan grunted.

"Yeah… give me a moment."

One shuffling foot after the other, they plodded through the rain. Kanan floundered, sloshing through puddles that only reached Zeb's knees. He was puny compared to the Lasat, and still he offered Zeb his strength. Kinda like he looked after that kid. He was the champion of numbskulls, but he carried the nobility of the Old Religion.

Zeb mused that he might be grateful – just this once – that a Jedi was looking after the crew.

If there had been any other witnesses…..

"Don't let the rustbucket see this," Zeb grumbled. "I'll end him if he tells the fan artists."

* * *

 **Idreamstuff** **(Ezra's reaction to the story "Fugitive Padawan" by** **Fantasie Adventura Dreamwriter** **)**

"Phew! If he's gonna complain about my stench, he'd better change his socks once in a while!" Zeb told Hera as he gagged exaggeratedly.

Immune to the arguments of teenage boys and Lasats who thought they were decades younger, Hera hummed under her breath and adjusted the Ghost controls. _Don't mind anyone, just you and the ship right now…_

"I mean, if I thought his socks were bad, his uniforms are worse!" Zeb continued. "I could swear the kid dunked himself in droid oil after that last mission. Lazy slob has nothing better to do than polish his lightsaber…."

Awkward silence warned Hera of the inevitable calamity. She watched Ezra out of the corner of her eye, gauging his reaction. One impish grin from Zeb, and the two would be tussling until Kanan –

But Ezra didn't take the bait. Surprised, Hera set her headset down, looking on as the padawan shook his head and waved off a confused Zeb, deliberately walking away. "Just gotta get my own crew. Star and Dhara. Loads of fun…."

Crinkling his nose, Zeb pointed over his shoulder and demanded, "Did Chopper take down the holonet restrictions again?"

Well, that was one explanation for why the entire crew was acting kooky. Hera turned up the com.

* * *

 **Oscarbobbington** – **(Squadron 13 featured)**

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Sabine, let go already!" Gagging, Ezra yanked on the arms clutching his neck. "Sabine!"

The Mandalorian's grip clenched tighter. "Don't let them anywhere near me!"

"Who?" Cross-eyed, Ezra gave up tugging and tried to focus on his datapad. Specter 7 really deserved a review for this one. If only he could concentrate…

"The Squadron!" Sabine hissed, her eyes furiously scanning Ezra's datapad. "I knew the number thirteen was evil!"

"Sabine, are you really hugging me right now, or – _erg!_ – trying to – _cough!_ – strangle me?"

"Don't you get it!" Sabine exclaimed. "What if all of this fanfiction is real? What if there are really Sith lords and monsters we've never heard of? You could be mauled, Ezra. By a Twi'lek as nice as Hera."

Pausing mid-type, Ezra strained to look over his shoulder. "Sabine, Hera said she'll drop me on Mustafar if I ever read an 'M' rating. You're not peeking at the slash fics, are you?"

" _Ezra!"_

"Then what's the problem?" Really, were girls so paranoid of _everything_?

"Just – ugh!" Flinging herself away, with a complimentary slap to the back of Ezra's head, Sabine stalked to the door. "If you're ever recruited with some girl off the streets of Lothal, give me a proper eulogy."

"Give her a proper…. What?" Staring at the screen, Ezra shook his head, relieved when the door slid closed. So this must be that 'monthly feelings go awry' thing that Hera muttered about sometimes. He wished it would only happen once every two months. Or five years.

Clicking 'post review', Ezra clicked out of the story and perused the list of newly updated fics. There was something he had read once… something about a Twi'lek and her female crew….

Eyes widening, Ezra backtracked to the title _Squadron 13_. "Oh…."

With a chuckle he called over his shoulder, "Hey, Sabine, if these guys were real, would that make us an alternate reality?"

* * *

 **Storywander** – **(Any of the author's stories featured)**

"Zeb?"

The Lasat growled as a datapad dangled before his nose. "Get lost, kid."

"I need to ask you a question."

"Whatever it is, it's probably a lie!"

"So Kanan never had a daughter?"

Eyes bulging, Zeb bolted upright. "What load of tripe are you reading?"

"Does Kanan have a daughter?" Ezra said simply. "Like Charoline Jarrus – although I guess there's others from different authors, so how many kids does Kanan have? I thought he was – you know… a Jedi. There's supposed to be some kind of rule against that. Does Hera know about this?"

"It's _fanfiction!_ " Zeb retorted. "If it doesn't make sense, it doesn't exist."

"But… maybe Kanan did have a kid." Ezra raised both eyebrows convincingly. _"I_ know I'm not Vader's son, but no one knows anything about Kanan's past. Maybe something happened."

"Yeah, cause Hera would obviously let him on the ship if he had a crate of youngsters to look after," Zeb muttered.

"Say, if Kanan sings to Charoline, does she get nightmares? I know I would have nightmares if Kanan started singing. Do you think he'd really make a good dad?"

If Zeb didn't know any better, he'd guess the kid looked jealous. Pouting lip and hurt blue eyes, as though some inner voice was griping that someone had taken his place in 'Space Dad's' attention.

"Kanan, a father? Hah!" Chuckling, Zeb exited the holosite before the kid conjured any more questions. "He can't even look after a Loth-cat."

"Tookas are deadly," Ezra said with narrowed eyes. "Maybe we should give one to the Tarkin on Emperor Day."

"Or just send him you," Zeb countered. "Even fanfiction-Kanan agrees you'll destroy the Empire within a year."

"Does Darth Vader really talk to asteroids, like in HISHE?"

* * *

 **MajorWinter101st** – **(Ezra finds lemons on him and Sabine)**

"Sabine?"

Noooo, that was _not_ a good look on his face.

"Ezra, whatever you found in the 'M' section, it's not happening."

"I didn't – !" Ezra flushed. "I just – I was wondering – did you really… um… would you really….?"

Oh, it was going down.

Calmly Sabine strolled forward and put her hand on Ezra's chest, pushing him against the wall.

"Two words," she said with a hinting smile.

One can of blue paint, one spray to an idiot's face, and her datapad was locked, barred, and out of Ezra's hands.

Simpering, Sabine strolled away. "You're. Ended."

* * *

 **I think that filled out all the requests. :) Apologies if I missed anyone's review or private message.**

This is a humor fic, beta'd by Kanan for quality purposes, so if anyone hated how their story was portrayed (ducks behind a pillow fort and points at Kanan) throw the flaming marshmallows at him!


	8. Agent Kallus

It was ingenious. It was diabolical. It was perfect.

One day spent reading the endless cells devoted to the Rebels archive, and Kallus had learned everything about his quarry. The Ghost. Kanan Jarrus – former Padawan Dume. Hera Syndulla, the mysterious pilot. Ezra Bridger.

Or was it Bridger?

Kallus could have sworn he was the Bridger boy.

Now –

"Isn't this wonderful!"

Kallus spluttered over his stim-tea as Darth Vader plunged into the room, blue and pink confetti spraying everywhere.

"I have a son, Kallus! No – I have two sons! And a daughter! I might even have three daughters, if these random sisters of Ezra's are true. I knew Padme survived!"

"Lord Vader, what are you –"

"I just stopped by Alderaan this morning. Leia is such a big girl. She's just like her mother – only she has _my_ temper. Of course, I'll have to put a bounty on that Solo's head lest he carry her away, and Obi-wan is going to die right after I retrieve Luke from Tatooine – "

"Lord Vader, we were discussing the Lothal system," Kallus reminded urgently. Now that the rebels were within his grasp -

"Oh, don't worry. I'll tend to the rebels. Now that I know Ahsoka is leading them. First we will detonate all of Endor's moons, and then Yavin 4. Oh – and we may as well blow up Alderaan. Except perhaps I can use that to influence Leia. This is going to be so much fun, Kallus! Me and the kids ruling the Empire!"

"You have _children?"_ Kallus gaped. It couldn't be possible.

"Two for certain. Twins! Possibly a triplet if this Neocolai is correct. Remind me to offer her a promotion. Or him. I hear the males of the Earth System population are as dedicated to fiction as the females."

"Darth Vader, where did you….?" Kallus' eyes shifted and his gloves …. No. His gloves did not squeak. He was not nerve-wrecked! That Neocolai would be executed if he could find the proper assassin. "You found the Rebels fanfiction database," he guessed.

"This is amazing!" Darth Vader continued. "Not only do I know my children's fates and how to prevent them, but I know everything about every Jedi who survived Order 66. Did you know there's a site called 'Wookiepedia'? I already sent orders for Degobah to be obliterated."

"My lord Vader…." Kallus said queasily, "Soon there will be no planets left."

"Oh, all right," Darth Vader said reluctantly. "We'll preserve Alderaan. But not Endor's moons! I will not have cuddly, cute bears embarrassing my regiments."

Kallus pressed a hand to his temple. He was feeling … quite… lost…..

"Oh, don't worry!" Darth Vader said, clapping the Agent's back. "I hear you have two children of your own. Fatherhood isn't so bad. I'll practice on Ezra first, just to be sure that when I retrieve Luke I won't chop off his hand or something."

"I don't… understand this…." Kallus said faintly.

"You will in time. Here." Darth Vader thrust a datapad at Kallus and pointed to the account name _'Squeaky-gloves-Imperialist'_. "I assigned you your own account. Add me to your favorites. The galaxy will crumble beneath me one author's system at a time."

"You write… humor?" Kallus croaked. _Please don't have involved me this once._

"Oh, you know how much the fans crave it. Besides, how better to humiliate Obi-wan than to have him ballet dancing in – look here, did I say you could question my work? I have rights, you know! It says so right here in the author's forum. Now, add me to your favorites."

"You're ' _Ultimate Space Dad'_?" Kallus was finding it difficult to breathe, and it was not to be blamed on the overwhelming Force presence filling the room. Dazed, he tapped the "favorite author" star and continued rubbing his temple.

"I wasn't about to let Kanan steal the title! This is going to be so wizard! I'll have Leia offer me suggestions and Luke will learn to write, and Ezra… well, he's going to have to learn to get along without his master. Maybe a short drop over Mustafar's falls will deal with Kanan once and for all. Neocolai does have an irritating habit of bringing him back to life."

"He was dead?" Kallus noted.

"At least five times. No author can kill Kanan. There seems to be a rule against it. I will have to discuss this with her later – him later – do you think it's a girl or a boy?"

"I…." Kallus shrugged helplessly.

"Karabast, I should have kept Maketh Tua around for this," Darth Vader commented. "Imagine the chemistry between you two – that's a new word I learned today. It means 'love and passion', often used in a physical setting."

"No, that's too much," Kallus whispered. He said quickly to Vader, "I am sorry to disrupt your triumph but I'm afraid I must hurry to my … transmission with the Emperor."

"Oh, that's not a problem. I have a son to retrieve – two, possibly! This is going to be so much fun. I cannot wait to tell Palpatine!"

 _Nor can I,_ Kallus thought dizzily. He should have been kinder to Maketh Tua when she was on the run. Right now, seceding from the Empire – and the Rebels galaxy in general – seemed to be a reasonable plan.

Now where did that _Ghost_ ship frequently refuel?


	9. Ezra's Response

" _Wha-at_ are you doing?" Sabine peered over Ezra's shoulder, her eyes widening at the increasing list of exclamation points and frowny faces. "You know that the review section only allows for one question mark per sentence."

"I'm going to put an end to this!" Ezra said forcefully. "Did you see what Neocolai did? She just tortured Kanan – again! And she had me turn to the dark side."

"Yeah, you're sure it's not a _he_?" Sabine corrected, sipping at her fizzy soda. These sodas were addicting; fanfiction stereotype or not. "Just because girls enjoy fanfiction doesn't mean every author is a female."

"What does it matter?" Ezra snapped, the datapad burning under his speedy fingers. "I'm sick of being tortured! Where are the character rights? Why don't I have a say in whether or not I want Zeb to be my _boyfriend_? Seriously? How does that even happen?"

"Slash," Sabine monotoned.

"They even put Chopper in a – never mind."

"Ezra, you know Hera said she'll wash your brain with bacta if you venture into the 'M' section – and your datapad is going to overheat if you keep typing so fast."

"I already know what Hera threatened, and it was an accident," Ezra said between clenched teeth. "I was looking up my own name. How was I supposed to know that search results aren't restricted?"

Sighing, Sabine rubbed her brow. "You're supposed to enter your own preferences. You know, language, genre… no romance."

"Oh, so like you can stay away from _Kanera_ ," Ezra said pointedly. He glared at Sabine's horrified expression. "I found your account, _MandalorianArtistRockstheEmpire._ Hmm, somebody likes R rated fiction with – "

"Okay, okay!" Briskly Sabine sat down and peered at Ezra's screen. "I promise I won't bring up the slash if you don't tell Kanan I pair him up with Hera all the time. But you _know_ they should get together."

"Ugh, why would you?" Ezra shuddered and handed over the datapad. "Here. What do you think?"

Sabine raised one eyebrow. "Wow. I've never seen so many exclamation points. They're going to delete most of these, you know."

"Do you think it'll work?" Ezra's voice was so despondent, his eyes so wretched and withdrawn, that Sabine couldn't say no.

Returning the datapad, she patted his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll give Neocolai something to think about."

Relieved, Ezra whooshed a sigh and clicked 'Post'.

* * *

Neocolai yawned and blearily slid out of bed, snagging the phone before it could vibrate a snooze alarm. Five o'clock was too early for any decent author to get up. No wonder the muses had been dormant for months.

Green tea, a quick cleanup for the kitchen mess from the night before, attendance to the lousy, lazy cat who would never touch the food dish until someone personally escorted him there… finally it was email time. Yawning again, Neocolai slouched over the table, cheek planted on one fist, and clicked the aol inbox.

 _Review: Courage_

"Yes!" Neocolai fist-pumped the air. Hopefully it was one of those in-depth reviews that gave one the feeling of being totally evil and accomplished at the same time. Torturing hapless characters and twisting readers' feels was a skill, after all, and the heart-wrenched reviewers were worth it.

Of course, it could very well be someone saying "Your work stinks and this is TOTALLY unrealistic…" but Neocolai was prepared for that – had been ever since the "Review Wars" were started by anonymous critics.

"I need to write some Caleb fanfiction again," Neocolai mused, purposefully looking away from the coffeepot. No caffeine. Shaky, jittery, excitable authors didn't write any better than clear-minded (sleep deprived) sensible ones. _Maybe just one cup…_

 _Concentrate._ Breathing deeply, Neocolai clicked the link. First review in over eight hours. Responses to fanfiction were getting better after the return of Season 2, but the Rebels universe had never been high in demand. _This is probably an anonymous 'Nice chapter!' or something._

The review was actually quite extensive. At first Neocolai was excited. Then mildly apprehensive. Lip-chewing ensued next, accompanied by the raised eyebrow, the sinking heart, the _'What and why and should I take this seriously….?'_ feeling.

"Wow," Neocolai muttered, tsking at the capitalized script. The entire review wouldn't fit in the aol mailbox. Someone had been upset enough to send a bonfire without complimentary marshmallows. Sighing, Neocolai opened the fanfiction inbox. "Guess I had to face a hater sooner or later."

" _Dear Neocolai (and all other authors on this stupid website),"_ the review began.

" _Stop torturing all the characters! You think we LIKE to be stabbed and hurt and TORTURED and smashed into walls and turned against each other? You rip apart OUR PERSONALITIES and destroy any GOOD FEELINGS in this fandom! :( :( :( :( Why can't you LEAVE US ALONE? Sabine is NOT scared of everything or in love with ANYONE BUT EZRA, in fact she's the most HONORABLE, COURAGEOUS, CREATIVE PERSON IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! How DARE you make fun of Hera! You make her seem weak and unable to do anything, when she's THE ONE WHO HOLDS THE CREW TOGETHER! You need to STOP WRITING FANFICTION BECAUSE NONE OF THIS IS TRUE! You think I like reading about Zeb being hurt, or Chopper turning to the dark side, or Darth Vader killing Kanan? :( :( :( :( YOU THINK PEOPLE ENJOY HURTING OTHER PEOPLE LIKE THAT? IT'S NOT FUNNY! KALLUS IS EVIL, AND HE NEEDS TO BE STOPPED – NOT CONTRAGULATED BECAUSE HE'S A &31J*%# SADIST! THE INQUISITOR IS DEAD! LET HIM STAY THAT WAY! I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE USE HIM TO HURT KANAN FOR NO REASON EXCEPT THAT THEY WANT TO SEE HIM CAPTURED BY THE EMPIRE OVER AND OVER! JUST STOP IT ALREADY! STOP THE HATE AND THE ANGST! :( :( :( :( You always talk about author's rights and how you deserve to write anything you want and no one can stop you or criticize your for it. Well, give us back our rights already! We are the Ghost Crew! We are the rebels, and we are proud of it! If you think that tormenting the crew and turning us into Imperials will stop our efforts, you're wrong! IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT WE'RE DOING, THEN HELP US FIGHT! This starts with YOU, NEOCOLAI! Stop gloating and telling people how evil you are! Why can't you write about how the Empire falls, or how Kallus looks bald when the sun hits his hair right, and how he should be demoted to rebel insurgent? Why can't you write about how Kanan defeated the Inquisitor once and for all? IF YOU CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING TRUTHFUL, THEN DON'T WRITE AT ALL! Do something to help the rebellion for a change! STOP THE HATE!_

 _Signed, Ezra (NOT A BLUEBERRY!) Bridger (NOT SKYWALKER! I was born on Lothal!)"_

"Wow…." Torn between feeling affronted and impressed, Neocolai leaned back and eyed the 'respond to review' box. "I'm not even sure I should answer this."

The flamers were getting more creative. This one had at least used spell-check, and had a few comments to add besides the tendency for "ur story stinks" and "who cars about ur life".

 _I can admire the plot critics,_ Neocolai mused. _Heck, I never would have learned to rewrite episodes without those people who complained about reading an entire repeat of 'The Hobbit' in my stories._

But this…. This was a rant about the angst and overuse thereof. There was a certain level of ridiculousness involved.

 _I should respond…_ The reviewer had even signed under the penname ' _TheOnlySpectre6'_. Hardly creative, but it was cute when added to the 'Not a Blueberry' exclamation. _Actually, I always figured Ezra was a kooky anime guy, kind of like Marth… the blueberry was someone else's idea._

Drumming piano fingers against the keyboard, Neocolai scanned the review one last time and shrugged. Whoever had posted, hopefully they'd had fun. Clearly _'TheOnlySpectre6'_ was getting too much into character in the roleplay forum.

" _Dear Ezra (Not a Blueberry),"_ Neocolai wrote back. _"I can't say your response was unanticipated, since I figured someone would leave a scathing note on my works sooner or later (it used to be a common happenstance in the Rebels archive). I could say something like "If you don't like it, don't read it," but you'll probably hear that from a ton of responding reviewers anyways, and I don't want to have a rant war starting in my mailbox. (Trust me, the only thing worse than a rant war in a Star Wars forum is a Disney parody that's missing a language filter.) I can't direct you to any 'nice stories' about Ezra, since I'm an angst reader myself and my humor list is very short, but I can suggest using the filter system to search by number of reviews and specific genres. There are some good fanfictions out there, ones that don't include angst or torture, and if you've read all of them already, there's always the possibility of creating your own. :) Hope this gives you some options. Thanks for leaving feedback on my story, and have a great day!"_

"I'm definitely going to get a response back," Neocolai grumbled, clicking 'send'. Some critics just couldn't let it go until they'd had the last word. _Next response stays dormant,_ Neocolai swore. _If I want a private message war, I'll find the most recent online news tribune._

Returning to a blank word document, Neocolai smiled. "Now, back to Caleb Dume. … I wonder if he ever ran into Ahsoka…."

One sidelong glance at the coffeepot made the final decision. A day like this required black coffee.


End file.
